The Communication Dance

The following is a sermon my husband preached a few weeks ago during a series on relationships. Much of the material was gleaned from Danny Silk's video teaching "The Communication Dance". I thought this would be beneficial to many people and wanted to share. Please keep in mind that translating a verbal teaching into written word can be challenging but the information is wonderful!

Communication is the key to success.

Matthew 22:37-40 tells us to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. This is the greatest commandment. The second is to love your neighbor as yourself. In order for us to effectively communicate in a loving way as we are commanded we must love the Lord our God first.  This can be illustrated in the acrostic JOY:

·         Jesus – Putting God first is a lifestyle developed by being in His word, prayer – a two-way conversation with Father – and genuine worship.

·       Others – Putting your family before yourself and outsiders. God established the family in Genesis before He established the church. Your church family is important, but not to the neglect of your immediate family. John 19:25-27 shows us Jesus establishing the church family when he places his mother Mary in the charge of the disciple John. We see this further played out in the book of Acts.

·         Yourself – Put yourself last the way that Christ did. In Philippians 2:1-11 we see the Greek word kenosis pictured by how beautifully Christ emptied Himself by “laying aside His glory and submitting to the humiliation of becoming a man” (NIV study notes).

It is one thing to talk at someone. It’s another to aim to understand and “love one another”. (John 13:34-35) If we are not communicating out of a place of love, we have to change! If you have a concern with somebody, it must be communicated from a place of love. Love held Jesus to the cross, and in the same way love can make our communication effective and powerful.

In his video “The Communication Dance”, Danny Silk says we must respect each other; disrespect pollutes the relationship environment. Trying to convince someone to agree with you is a false way of communicating – It’s actually control. The superior way to communicate is to work to understand each other. We don’t have telepathy. We need to be able to put what’s going on inside of us into words so others will understand.

When our children were babies, we taught them sign language. It made communication with them possible before they could talk. They could not tell us they wanted more milk or food or they were done eating or hurting. By giving them signs, there was much less frustration as they were able to communicate clearly with us what they needed. Empower the people you are communicating with; don’t beat them down.

Understanding each other is the goal, not control. But keeping your innermost thoughts a secret is also unhealthy. Intimacy requires vulnerability, safety, trust and acceptance. God created us to be intimate. Genesis 2:25 says, “They were both naked, the man and his wife… and they were not ashamed.” We were created with no things hidden, safe, free, vulnerable, accepted and known. Communication will be most successful in this environment.

Most of us live all covered up, secretive, protected by various walls as a result of conditional love. Conditional love attempts to control and manipulate. Many of us learned how to operate this way from our parents. It takes deliberate change to not end up like your parents. The Holy Spirit is the only true change agent. A couple can cultivate intimacy and work together toward the same goals when there is unconditional love.

Intimacy is created by God. Therefore, Satan has a counterfeit: addiction. Silk says this is an attempt to create intimacy through a relationship with an object. We all know the “bad” addictions, but what about when we use something in our life that is normally good but replaces intimacy in our relationships? Some examples are ministry, our children, education, work, general busyness, food and even our pets. Any one of these elevated above intimacy is dangerous.

According to Silk, there are four dominant communication styles. Three are unhealthy and only one is balanced.

·         Passive – “You matter. I don’t.” This person is afraid of rejection, conflict or being accused of being selfish. Over time, the passive person feels used, neglected, powerless, disrespected and resentful.

·         Aggressive – “I matter. You don’t.” This person is abusive and always gets what they want. They are a steamroller in a relationship, caring little for the other person’s needs. This person was probably hurt in childhood and suffers from a severe lack of trust.

In the ultimate irony, these two types of communicators usually end up marrying each other. Both need to take responsibility for their unhealthy contributions to the relationship. It takes two to tango in a dysfunctional communication system.

·         Passive aggressive – This communicator is one way to your face, another behind your back. They use sarcasm, innuendo and double meanings. You will often hear them say, “I was joking” or “You misunderstood me.”

These three styles create anxiety and walls in a relationship. They also breed selfishness. None of these generate trust, love, connection, safety or nurturing, which should be our goal. But there is one style we can all strive to achieve:

·         Assertive – “You matter and so do I. I value you, you value me.” There is a mutual respect here. They protect the communication, respect and connection. They hold themselves responsible and are able to send a message of what is going on inside them while also listening to what is going on inside the other. They hear your needs, thoughts and feelings. This ultimately creates intimacy.

Within these styles are also levels of communication, starting with superficial. This is the equivalent speaking to a stranger: “The weather was awful today.” The next is simply facts: “How did you sleep? Fine.” “Do you want coffee? Yes.” As you can see, there is no intimacy here. The third is sharing ideas, opinions and perspectives. This requires valuing what you don’t agree with or understand. Each person’s ideas will be unique and it takes trust to share them and listen. The next deepest level of communicating is sharing feelings, and you can only do this when you feel valued. Aim to understand the feelings of others so it won’t be a struggle to tell the truth. Finally, the deepest level is not just what I’m feeling, but being able to share what I need to feel. “I feel scared but need to feel safe. I feel rejected and judged, but long to feel accepted and approved. I feel dishonored, but want to feel honored.”

This is where healthy communication needs to be. Don’t wait to move into the deepest levels of intimacy! Intimacy will make your relationships flourish.